Loneliness is the worse friend

Lucia

I sat in my room day after day.

I wondered if someone was going to ask me to play.

I wrote letter after letter with no response, how could someone just forget me?

I felt like my presence was only needed when someone was bored.

I loved the clothes I wore because they filled that void of being alone but now I'm seen as a whore.

Is this what loneliness is?

The one friend that never leaves but always makes you feel alone?

I want constant interaction with someone with just a little time.

I crave attention from someone but that's just too much to climb.

A list of names

A list of letters

A list of sent messages

All for me to sit by the door waiting for the mailman who doesn't seem to come.

Tears filled my eyes as the friends I thought I had turned me numb.

Loneliness leads to picking flowers from a garden with no soil to grow.

Execution

Lucia

Death is a permanent fix for a temporary problem.

The darkness of my thoughts drags me to the bottom.

I thought that I had all the answers to my problems.

I couldn't believe that I thought this was the only way to end the problem.

I thought maybe the solution was better filled with delusions.

My feet crunched on the ground

as I crushed the fall leaves under my feet.

As I looked down at your grave,

I wonder will mine be next to yours.

Three hours spent in the darkness

and I still couldn't get over grief.

I wasn't sure if I was moving forward or moving backwards,

but I know I stayed in one stage of grief and that was denial.

Denial of your sickness,

denial of your disappearance

and denial of your absence.

I was just the idiot that thought

that maybe if I cut ties here then all the lies would disappear.

But I stared down at the barrel, the gun.

I was ready to be cut out,

this lifetime execution style,

but I had to remember that the only one holding the gun

was the person I looked in the mirror for.

I didn't understand what was going on in my mind.

I thought the red roses were ready to bloom,

but they were just ready to die.

The town of my thoughts gathered around me

ready to light me on fire.

They held my shoulders down

and put my head inside the guillotine.

I close my eyes and tears fell down,

and I wonder,

will this be the last thing I see before I die?

Is the sharp blade sharpened over and over

for a clean cut so my head can roll on the ground?

I wondered,

will I still be able to move my body

even though my eyes, my ears, and my mouth

will no longer be connected?

It's just simple.

They execute you with no thoughts in mind,

but I stared in the mirror,

and I saw an imposter,

and the imposter was me.

She had no face, no emotions, just blank,

and I wonder if she was me

or someone pretending to be me.

I lost fragments of myself.

I couldn't remember if this was the real person I wanted to be,

with someone that didn't know how to go back to who she was.

Maybe the tablet that I'm taking is changing my mind.

It has me thinking that I could no longer be the person I am,

but I just drink it with water

and I swallow my pride

and as my stomach acid burns the tablets,

I remember how my mind is being stirred up like witchcraft.

Mind full of evil but ready to shake hands with devastated people. I knew my last words were in that letter were corrupted by rotten flesh.

The disgusting smell of death followed me for weeks, but I decided that maybe I would surrender to the stalkers.

I remember after the toll of being followed around for weeks. I was a Faith walker. I walked in Faith. My feet were stained with my own blood. Blood was spilled but so were millions of tears, I decided that I wasn't going to let those towns of thoughts ruin me.

They thought they could defeat me, but here I am walking away from the guillotine escaping my execution.

An execution, I thought was a permanent solution but it was another delusion filled with confusion.

That voice that whispered in my ear led to a revolution.